so f**king clueless now. im actually seeking refuge in the library, here in the comfy egg chair of the internet cafe. i dunno where ta go. i haf a lecture on rite now but i jz scanned my student card and cabot. jiat's acting strange i dunno whether to puke or feel sympathy. he's craving for ciggs. he's acting like a 'mat drug' now. wat the hell am i s'posed ta do? watch him biting that lolly stick he bought this morning till his teeth come off? i tried to persuade him to jz get over the craving...ya noe, make him smoke jz one cigg. but he consistently refused my persuasion out of strong will. he hasnt been smoking for 3 mths or so. tts quite a remarkable achievement and im proud of him. of coz as a friend i dont wana encourage him onto the wrong tracks but i jz cant bear to watch my friend like this. i haf no one to cling on to now. farzi's not reached school yet. that bummer. yet ironically i depend on him as an elder brother figure. dzul's at the SPF interview. i duno whether to go for the laser lab anot. im actually feeling quite unstable and insecure now especially coz my parents wd be leaving me for a month. and the day is tomorrow. i dunno if its due to my EL grade or is it just a fact tt no words can describe the feeling of loss i'm experiencing now. none of my friends are around me, a rather unlikely situation. i should break down now but i feel too strong to find the tears to cry. rite now im not strong and im not weak. im neither here nor there. im totally clueless!


i gave up on jiat i jz left him and his insanity in the lecture theatre. anyway his god-brother is there so i guess i'll leave the moral support thingy to him. he duzen care abt me so y shd i care. his silly recurring dreams and cigg craving is such a big deal tt he cant even sense tt im in a very vulnerable situation here. im in need of moral support from my frenz and he's giving me this small-situation-gets-a big-life-and-death treatment like its sooo important. sometimes i jz wana tell him to grow up. [f**k!] im selfish yes. but jz for now, tts the best thing i can do for him. im so not in a state to deal wif this kind of attitude. i wd haf put aside my turmoiled feelings and tended to him wif tender loving care if it seemed like i was the onli one he had at tt moment. no problem. coz nothing makes me happier than seeing my friend happy honestly. tts jz me. i love my friends. but then there's his godbrother...so i like dont give a f**king damn. i cant take it rite now...


im still not feeling better yet. i smsed hidayat. he sounded shocked and was like "WAT U LEFT HIM?" exactly in caps and all. im gona talk to him later over lunch. not telling jiat coz i told him i went home. i feel like havin fish and chips at S.I.M cafeteria nw. mhmm...maybe that'll make me feel better. favourite foods haf a very refreshing effect on my dull moods. but the plc wd be full by 12pm. perhaps i'll jz haf it nw and still meet hidayat at canteen1 later. i cant believe im eating alone...


ohhh this must be like the worst day of 2005 for me. at least i still haf the fish and chips to look forward to...


fz jz texted. said he'll be reaching onli by 1pm. nw i dunno y bt i feel like smsing my sister. nothing can compare to blood-sister bonds. i need someone rite now but i dunno y my mom is last on the list.


k gtg my internet session's ending in 5 mins.


sad, clueless girl signing off...